Tag: men

I Am My No.1- Single and Happy

Artwork by Melissa Ann

After my first love and I didn’t work out, I had this feeling that I wasn’t meant to be with one single person for the rest of my life. A vision came to me that I am supposed to live a life that involves falling in love with different men. Not like 100’s or 1,000’s more but like having a new love in various seasons. I know it is possible to love more than once and I believe this because at 35 years old I have already been in love multiple times. The love I give is real, authentic, and deep.

Let’s reflect a little, my longest relationship lasted about a year and half and other relationships lasted any where from 3-12 months. I am sure you want to know how these relationships ended and most of the time I was the one to end them. Largely it was due to infidelity on their part. I am no saint either as I have cheated before, actually twice, and one of the times my affair became known. I once broke up with someone for criticizing me about how I parented my cat, Coconut, lol. Yes I broke up with him over that and it was on Valentine’s day. My friends think it’s hilarious and coined the saying, “Don’t come for Coconut”. It seems crazy but Coconut was here before him and I will never get rid of my furbabies to be in a relationship. I digress, so the usual protocol post “Melissa jumping ship” was to scrutinize why it didn’t or wouldn’t work. For years, I constantly dissected every little thing I did or wanted from a partner and tried to improve that. About a year or so ago, I couldn’t take it anymore, I stopped doing that because it only fed into my own self-doubt, low self-esteem, and lack of self-worth; I was being negative and mentally beating myself up. That constant analyzing of “why” was making me feel sad and depressed.

I said, NO MORE! And committed to the process of intentionally managing how I would internalize what others said, both friends and exes, and my own sub-conscious thoughts. I chose to love on myself and leaned into positive self talk, affirming my truth, affirming my beauty, and trusting my decisions. I am a great woman with a lot of amazing qualities and so if the man I was with or dating didn’t see that, then it was a blessing for me that things ended. I am a Queen. I refute that my wholeness or validation is dependent on the label of being with someone.

There is this assumption or expectation that everyone is supposed to end up with someone but I honestly don’t feel like I am one of those people. Over many years, I asked people, “do you believe that some people were meant to be single?” and pretty much I would get the same reply. It was a version of “no” and “one day you will find somebody, God will send you someone, and you’re not meant to be alone”. That sentiment never resonated with me, I just didn’t feel it. I wonder where that concept came from? Who said everyone is supposed to be coupled up? Anyways, I do know that with every man I have met or dated, I always felt like I was compromising on some level or settling for less as I was trying to find my 80-20. I listened to others by being an opportunist, I entertained ugly and handsome ones, I entertained skinny to overweight, I entertained broke and well-off ones, I entertained thugs, blue collar, and white collar, I tried white, black, and brown, I explored Americans and foreigners, I was open to short and tall, and I tried younger and older ones. I even dated two murderers, wow right? But, it was always something and I would say, “I’m good”. I don’t want to hear that I am too picky, because it’s definitely not that. I value my happiness and acquiring what my heart desires is ultimately what matters.

As a single woman, I am enjoying my life as I get to focus on my career goals and investing in my creative hobbies. I get to immerse myself in activities that bring me joy and balance. I am supported and surrounded by friends, framily, and family who I love spending time with. When I am exploring the world around me I get to make new friends. I am able to do what I want, when I want, and how I want. I can flirt with some cuties and go on dates or attend meetups for singles.

What’s important for me to share is that I am listening to the God in me and what’s being placed in my spirit. I don’t know God’s plans, none of us do, but I must trust that with each passing storm, rainbow, and different season there’s a reason for everything. For me, that’s called faith and purposeful living. This is existing in my truth and my truth sets me free from societal norms.

I hope that my readers receive this message as I wrote it from a place of love and with intentions to touch those who are single and under pressure. That people stop beating themselves up when a relationship ends and picking apart their qualities and characteristics to pinpoint what needs to change. It is my hope that friends and family of single people do not pressure someone to be in a relationship and then they end up with a butt-hole of a partner.

Now, go out into the world and be awesome!

Melissa Ann
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Men.

Artwork by Melissa Ann

This is dedicated to all the men in my life.

To God, my dad, my brothers, my male best friend, my cousin, my first love, my nameless, my cousin, all the Mr. Wrongs, and the scumbags.

I learn a lot from men.

Family. A daughter in need of a full-time father. What’s the difference between being a dad versus being a father? My dad was both a father and a dad for moments in my life. Even though he loved his Budweiser and women, I always remember his genuineness to want to make sure we got the things we needed for school and sports. He definitely enjoyed seeing his two sons and daughter (my sis) play football. I wish he was a better because I feel like I missed out on learning how to deal with the opposite sex. Having a father or father figure is important and needed.

My brothers mean a lot to me! I would do anything to make sure we were good and seize opportunities to give us respite from reality. We could never afford to go to the local carnivals but this year I was like, screw this, we are going to the carnival! My mother was in prison and set up an agreement with the corner store for me to cash the child support checks. Well, the carnival was in town and our mom was locked up and who was responsible for our care, only came to the house sporadically or to check the house to make sure he could give a thumbs up. Anyways, I got my brothers and sister together and we came up with the plan to go to the carnival with this check. And we had the time of our lives, LOL. I got cussed out by my dad but I didn’t care because it was worth our day of happiness.

I enjoy my brothers and I like having brothers. I appreciate my phone calls with my big brother. He’s awesome and never fails to make me laugh about the good and bad. And he’s such a GREAT father! My younger brother is a phenomenal teacher and father! While on a bike ride, we ran into some of his students who were all smiles and giving accolades about him being the best teacher ever! It was a proud big sister moment for me, priceless. My youngest brother is a lot like me who doesn’t take any BS and has a huge heart. A man who will love you as you are and accept you as you are. All three are hard working men and I am lucky to have them as my brothers.

God. I know God is real because I am alive. God is my spiritual father. My faith and belief in God has encouraged me and empowered to keep going. To forgive myself and others so that I can learn from my past and not be stuck in the past. My relationship with God is what helps me to heal, it helps me to be kind to others, it helps me be a people’s person, it saves me from making poor choices, it helps me seize the moment, it helps me go hard for my life goals, it helps me weather the storms, and it helps me write this blog.

My cousin. I am so thankful that we are related and how you have welcomed me to be a part of your branch of the family. I am glad that I wanted to know my father’s side of the family and took trips down south. The family vacation in DR was a wonderful time and one of my best vacations! You’re my cousin but like a father, brother, pastor, and professor all in one. Smile.

My male best friend. You are one the best men I know on this planet, Earth. You’re a blessing to people and your community. You are a proud Black man, a descendant of African Kings and Queens. The blood of your ancestors positioning you to be a leader in your community. I learned a lot from you as you did from me. We really liked to challenge theories and society. You planted a seed in me and when that seed blossoms we will both smile.

My first love. You and I will be friends until we die. We did a lot of wrong to one another and we were too young to understand what a healthy relationship really looked like. You were the first man to take care of me. You were my knight in shining armor. You were my Achilles heel. Now we are “real” grown ups, living our own lives, and only wanting the best for one another. Some of us will love once or love again, or again and again and again.

My nameless. He is irreplaceable and unforgettable. Something that started with an understanding but with each experience we grew so fond of one another. We fell in love and we knew it could never be. He set the bar high. I am a very special woman and deserve only the best from a man.

Mr. Wrongs. Some of them were’t actually bad people but they just weren’t my mister right. I would give all of me and love hard but it wasn’t what they wanted. Once I got past trying to be their “One” and realized that They weren’t my “One”, it was easier to call a spade a spade and walk away. Yes, I had to go through adjustment periods but I knew moving on was the best choice. I believe that if it is meant to be then it will be.

Scumbags. You taught me how to be emotionless, how to use people, how to lie, how to cheat, how to manipulate, and how to be hardhearted. People are mad about Cardi B revealing that she used to drug men and rob them. I get it, for example, a man totaled my car, one ruined my credit, and another stole my money. Yes, what she did is a double standard but, oh well. I had TOO many scumbags in and out of my world. I had to forgive self and them. Ladies and gentlemen, they are everywhere don’t allow your desire for love and companionship have you in crazy situations. It’s better to be without them, then to have someone draining you or using you as their come up.

My Future King. I cannot wait to meet you and I know we both are being positioned. Because of all these men in my life and lessons learned, I am the best and only Queen for you! You will be my everything, making me laugh, calming my wild, sharing our world, exploring the world, and growing old and wise together. We will be blessed to have one another.

These stories are examples of how my family, friends, and other men have impacted all stages of my life and will continue to do so. What kind of man have you been to the women you care about and what kind of man are you today? I want men, young gentlemen, and boys to love themselves first. Then, go navigate this world operating in love and doing so, you will make friends, form healthy relationships, solidify familial ties, and meet your life partner, if you haven’t already.

Melissa Ann
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Follow me on Instagram: melissa.ann.83